TALKING TURKEY OR WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A MEMBER OF THE PRETENDERS (Part One)

Last night I went out for a drink with a very good friend of mine whose name I've decided to make up. Let's call her Alma. Alma is the only one of my friends who actually lives in my area. She moved here about two years ago when her husband took on a temporary two year work assignment. We were introduced to each other via our husbands. Alma and her husband are moving back to where they came from in four months. I will miss her dearly. Sitting outside in balmy 50 degree weather wrapped in blankets while looking out at the ocean we ordered a couple of Pims No. 1 cocktails and started to talk.

Alma is a screenwriter. She became one after a 25 plus year business career that saw her make upwards of a million dollars annually at the peak of her productivity. It was a career that she thoroughly enjoyed but at the end of the day, when it came time to leave the company after it was sold to a foreign corporation, Alma found herself questioning who she really was if not her job. It was unsettling question, one that she had never asked before, perhaps because she had been so enmeshed her career.

What she decided was to become an actor.

Alma went to an agent to find out what she needed to do to establish herself in the industry. The agent suggested she break into the industry by doing background work. Actors who do background work do things like mill about in crowds, or look animated at cocktail parties, or endlessly cross back and forth across a street. You never really notice these actors unless of course, for example, they get knocked down by the star of the while running after the bad guy. Another example is the gratuitous T&A shot where the camera pans across a body or set of bodies and we never see notice the actors' faces.

Alma worked very hard to establish herself as a working actor. She got a job in a producer's office as an assistant to learn the ins and outs of the business and to establish contacts. She starred in endless numbers of no-pay student films just to hone her craft. She took courses in Improvisation to become better at comedy. In short, Alma grabbed hold of her goal and went after it wholeheartedly. Her efforts began to pay off and she found herself doing very well as an extra. She appeared in big budget films and even had an opportunity to speak a few lines of dialogue. And even though she was starting to see some success she realized that it wasn't was really was she wanted to do over the long-term.

Working with a couple of partners she thought she might try her hand at producing instead. That's how she stumbled upon her second vocational calling in life. Thanks to a dropped ball in trio's partnership she found herself writing a script. She loved it and producing fell by the wayside. The same exuberance and diligence she used in pursuing an acting career served her well when exploring the working world of screenplay writers. She read books. She bought the software to work in the proper format. She queried producers and production companies to learn about what type of screenplays they were looking for. She joined industry organizations and actively participated in meetings. And, although in the past three years she's only made a modest amount of money from her writing, she gets up every day committed to working on what she now considers her passion. She would love to have one of her screenplays produced with a big budget and stars attached but she knows that even if she doesn't, even if it never happens for her, she's doing something in life that truly makes her happy. She doesn't give a crap about how others perceive her efforts or how they measure her success (and for many that is usually about how money you make). First and foremost, she's writing for herself. In so doing, she has won the respect of many.

What we can learn from Alma's story?

1. Identify something you want to do. Initially, for Alma she picked acting.

2. Drop your ego off at an ego shelter station. In her past life Alma ran a highly successful company where she made millions of dollars for herself and for the company's owner. Imagine how humbling it would have been to make less than 50 dollars a day and be treated somewhat poorly because she was now an extra the low person on the acting pole. Imagine how humbling it would have been to be "supervised" at the producer's office by people half her age who had no managerial training. Imagine how humbling it would have been to learn that she wasn't good looking enough or young enough to be considered a serious talent in her chosen field. And none of these humbling experiences deterred her from pursuing her goal.

3. Explore your chosen field thoroughly. Whether she was pursuing acting or screenwriting, Alma took the time to talk to industry experts, inform herself of the industry protocol and processes, make contacts, read industry related magazines and learn ways to self market.

4. Give yourself permission to fail. After spending a couple of years pursuing an acting career, Alma learned that it just wasn't for her. And that was alright. At the very least she had given it a wholehearted effort and so she would never have to suffer a case of the "if only's."

5. Open the door in front of you. When you enter the room it might not be the one you expected but look at it as opportunity to learn something new about yourself. In Alma's case, she only happened upon her passion for screenwriting because she had pursued acting first.

6. Your measure of success is the only one that counts. If you measure success via the opinions of others, you my friend, are screwed. You will never be happy. You want to know why? There are 6 billion people on this planet, give or take a few million. There is only one of you. Now throw in the fact that these people were brought up with different values, in different cultures and in vastly different economic circumstances. How the hell are you possibly going to fulfill all of their expectations, requirements, needs and whatever else it is that they throw at you? If you even think about trying you will end up in a dark corner somewhere, unable to move, dream, want, wish or talk. Not the future you imagined for yourself? Set your own bar. If you don't measure up then figure out if it's the right one or figure out what you need to do to get there. In the end you only you know what you want. Like Alma you'll probably be admired and respected by the people whose judgement you feared in the first place.

7. Nothing happens unless you take action. This is said over and over again for a reason. It's true. Don't you remember high school physics, "for every action, there is an equal reaction." It's a law of the universe.

OOOH, BET I MISS YOU LIKE A HOLE IN THE HEAD!

Did you ever hear the term "begging music." I did, about three years ago. It refers to songs with lyrics laced with desperate pleas to a partner who has left or was left. The term came from a guy's mouth. Apparently he had little use for the genre. He thought that it emasculated men. Scientists got it wrong. The neanderthal is alive and well.

My take is somewhat different. I wonder why people want to go back to a memory of what once was and that can never exist in that same form again. That's what these songs are all about. Going back to what once was but that isn't necessarily right cause it would probably still be intact if it were. My belief is that the only way to keep it going on with a former lover who did you wrong or to whom you did wrong is to forge something entirely new. You've got to pry your eyes wide open baby. Give yourself room for an adult relationship that can leave you open to experience giving and receiving unconditional love.

Lessons I've learned or am in the middle of learning. Here's how they might be applicable to you and your life. Warning! They take a lot of work and practice. No quick fixes here.

1. Do the Self Work

Did you do some before you got involved? Have you done it since you've gone your separate ways? Something was happening to make one of you unhappy enough to take the drastic step of breaking up, straying, hiding, separating or cutting off hair. Have you any clue as to what it was? And if you do, what have you done to figure out how to correct it? Look, blaming the other person is always an option on the checklist of what went wrong. Save it for one of those "I'm too tired to do the work" days. Keep the whining to yourself though. We've all been there and we know that you're rationalizing. Instead do something self empowering. Look at the ways you might have contributed to the distance creep or intimacy breach. Maybe your relationship template is slightly off kilter and it caused you to attract the wrong person in the first place. This is the time to ask yourself tough questions about personal beliefs and self censure. What are you willing to tolerate and compromise, if anything and why? Learn to live in integrity. It's all good. You'll grow a way better relationship than you used to have with your former partner whether it becomes romantic again or not and you'll be way more lovable all around, to others and most importantly to yourself.

2. Practice Forgiveness - Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah

This is a great and fabulous concept, if you can pull it off successfully, without an undercurrent of seething discontent, or festering anger brilliantly hidden behind a placid demeanor which is only slightly marred by a 24/7 twitch in your right eye. Yes, forgiveness is possible. And it's desirable. You can't hold a transgression over someone's else's head or even yours over the course of your lifetime. That's a surefire way to erode any sense of happiness you've been harboring in that delicate soul of yours. I know someone who took her husband back after he spent several years living with another woman that he had had an affair with for several years prior to leaving her in the first place. They are desperately unhappy. She has never forgiven him. She tells everyone, usually when she meets them for the first time, that he had an affair. He snaps at her because frankly he's sorry he came back. It's his only form of retaliation. Passive aggression all because he feels whipped and is old so he wants his family (children, grandchildren) around him as he heads towards the end of his life. This is sad for both of them. Enough already. Give it a rest. She took him back. Either she figures out how to forgive him or she forgives herself for taking him back. As for him, he's got to forgive her for taking him back. No way are either of them going to live out a happy life unless both of them get real and let each other off of the hook. Pay attention to that story. They've created a prison for themselves. Make sure you've got a locksmith's number on speed dial.

3. Get a Life

Surf. Draw. Cook. Attend Classes. Travel. Do it with others. You need the company of people who think you are wonderful and that you think are wonderful too.

4. Meditate

Your spirit has been whipped and thrown against some walls. Your ego is defending itself like nobody's business because it feels like it's been under attack and won't let go of some crazy image of perfection. Your worry levels are working on overdrive. You have five million decisions to make:
- where to live;
- how to pay the bills;
- join Peace Corps or just hibernate and stay in bed for a day or three.

Rein it in. Meditation is a great way to do it. Lots of info everywhere about how to do it. I don't need to explain but I will endorse. It works people. It works.

5. Exercise

You know.


Want to hear a real begging song? Listen no further than one by a singer named AYO. It's called "Down on My Knees." It's the epitome of plaintive. I don't know who wrote it but I figure it was the day after someone left them and about a full year before they finally figured out how wonderful they truly were. After, that is, they did the work.

DEFIANT - NOT WAITING ON THE WORLD TO CHANGE

Glamorous. Jet setter. Fawned over by buff men with deep pockets. Deployer of UN peacekeeping troops. Saver of millions. Soon to be nominee for a Nobel Prize for some altruistic or intellectual deed. Kind of sounds like Angelina Jolie , doesn't it? Lucky woman. No doubt she's having regular sex with Brad. Hell she's having regular sex with a warm body.

Want to join me in breaking out the streamers? I think I might be headed to a pity party. Like the lyrics to "Mama Told Me Not to Come" say, "that ain't the way to have fun." Actually I'm too busy being overwhelmed by having to change every single thing in my life. Oh, and I'm also trying to become a card carrying member of the self actualized.

Okay five ways to break out of this:

1. Write a book about an obscure meditation practice previously only known to indigenous peoples living in a heretofore (always wanted to use that in a sentence) undiscovered region of a southern hemisphere based rainforest.
2. Learn to knit sweaters for the important pets in my life. Wait. Note to self -"get a pet."
3. Buy a bowling ball and get it engraved. When I throw at my ex's head it will be sure to leave a permanent impression. Another note to self - "don't try this at home."
4. Surf a music site looking for songs with my name in the title. Buy only those that don't refer to me as a hooker or a loser.
5. Save two hundred bucks by not signing up for a skydiving class. Who among the midlife crowd would want air currents to leave stretch marks on their faces?

I feel the love.

WHOSE SELF IS IT ANYWAY?

Someone I met back in July happened to be cycling by the other day two blocks from my home. Given that he had a helmet and sunglasses on and lives 2,000 miles from me it was pretty surprising I recognized him. There was no where to pullover but I stopped my car anyway to shout out, "meet me at the next corner". Turns out that this acquaintance is on a bike trip that is taking him down the eastern seaboard and along roads he's never travelled. This is an adventure that he's capturing both on film and in a blog.

There are roads not travelled in my life that I'm wondering about. I still have time to call on the self inside who's been adventurous and have her take over for awhile. So what's stopping me?

SHE'S 68 FOR GOODNESS SAKE.

Doesn't this shit ever end?

Front page link on Yahoo - November 10th 2007:

"How do I get over this person? My friends tell me that he was the wrong person for me, as we broke up numerous times in our year-long relationship. I really do love him and can't get him out of my mind. Every day something reminds me of him. I was kind of the one who asked, 'Are we calling it quits?' to which he replied, 'Since you brought the question up, yes.' He told me that he didn't want any more emails or calls from me, but I just can't resist sneaking in an email once in awhile.

"My head says to 'get over him' but my heart tells me I love him. How does one get over someone who you continue to love but who apparently does not love you back? How do I get on with my life and get him out of my mind? I've tried dating other people, but the dates are a complete failure because I would rather be with HIM." -- Elda T., 68, Venice, Florida


HERE'S ONE OF THREE ANSWERS FROM EXPERTS TO THE LETTER ABOVE.

G.J. DePillis answers:
Okay, Elda! Buckle up, this troubleshooting may get bumpy:

1. Examine the Symptoms:
For a year, you have been in a rollercoaster relationship.
Your friends dislike your mate.
Your heart and head give you conflicting messages.
You want to control the situation.
Your other dates have been unsatisfactory because you compare them to "him" and they fall short.
You act obsessed with this man, but are searching to get rid of him.

2. Find the Root Cause:
For you, this man is a symptom that reveals a deeper problem. What is your motivation for wanting a man who is ambivalent toward you? Is your "must-have-husband clock" ticking too fast? Your letter indicates that he conveys, "You are not quite good enough to be seen with me." This shows that he is only receiving and judging, but not contributing to the relationship.

If you were really in love with him, your head and heart would agree. You wouldn't want to strive to be in control by sending him emails, finding excuses to keep in touch, and then suggesting a breakup. I suspect you are obsessed with manipulating him instead.

An obsession is something that persistently dominates your thoughts even against your better judgment. You feel the target is elusive but almost within your grasp. It reveals that you are focusing on controlling the target. What sort of void is there in your life that you are trying to fill by controlling this ambivalent, judgmental man?

3. Apply the Resolution:
Respect. Stop dating men to erase the image of your ex. Respect your dates by focusing on them when you are with them. Respect yourself by improving your own talents via workshops and classes. Respect your ex by leaving him alone. You have destroyed your own credibility by saying you will break up, but then you don't follow through.
Work on having the integrity to keep your word so people will take you seriously. A lot of this drama seems to be created by you. Why? Is your life boring otherwise? Talk it over with a close friend, counselor or clergy, and get busy becoming a better you!

G.J. dePillis' book "How to Troubleshoot Your Mate" shows how to apply principles from engineering, the second oldest profession, to create a more satisfying love relationship. Sign up for G.J.'s free newsletter at pure-force.com.

NO ONE IS EXEMPT

Anita Roddick died last month. Both an activist and entrepreneur, Ms. Roddick created a company, the Body Shop, that seemed a model of social responsibility. She used the platform of a successful business enterprise to raise awareness for issues like violence against women and fair trade. Profiles written before and after her death cast a dark shadow on her motives by pointing out her missteps along the way to building a global enterprise from a base of 15 hair products and body creams. Scott Simon at NPR did a posthumous piece entitled, Roddick's Body Shop: An Empire Built on a Ruse? that took exception to Roddick's reputation as a business "Mother Teresa" and suggested that her business ethics were tenuous at best. For example, apparently she modeled her business on an existing one in California, even going so far as to use the name and then suggest later that she had dreamt it up on her own. As well, although she claimed that her products were not tested on animals, it turned out the ingredients she originally used to formulate the products were. So she changed her claims to "Against Animal Testing."

I'd like to suggest that Roddick, like any entrepreneur, oftentimes blindly felt her way through the maze of business decisions that spur growth. A need to put food on the table for herself, her family, and as her business grew, on the tables of her employees, vendors, suppliers and stakeholders may have led her to make some bad even ethically compromised choices. And yet she also made smart, ethically sound choices. As Ms. Roddick matured personally and professionally so did the objectives and business practices of her company. She demonstrated to the business community that doing good or taking a stand on the side of good could also be profitable. She used her voice and growing clout to publicize a myriad of causes that had once been considered taboo or best left to the largesse of philanthropists or government programs.

We don't always do the right thing in every circumstance. We make mistakes and hopefully, when we realize we've made them or when we see another way of doing things, we forgive ourselves, move on or do our best to rectify the situation. Unfortunately for Ms. Roddick her mistakes were writ large because of the enormous business success that she achieved. They are a matter of public record and will forever be trotted out for as long as her story remains topical or illustrative. This is as it should be since it shows her humanity. The cynics will always point a finger and shout "hypocrite." Others will look at the totality of her life and achievements to see flaws and contradictions but also great courage. Yes, she created an enterprise that she sold for $130 million dollars in 2006. More importanly, she inspired a whole generation to speak out, take action, and understand that no matter their beginnings, no matter what mistakes they make along the way, it will always be possible to effect positive change for themselves, their community and the world at large.

OH BROTHER

Three days later my brother calls.

ME: Hello
BROTHER: Is everything alright?
ME: I told Dad.
BROTHER: Yeah, you told him. Well is everything alright?
ME: Yes, okay.
BROTHER: Listen when are you coming home?
ME: What do you mean?
BROTHER: You know coming home.
ME: Wait a second. Did you decide when you're coming here? I've been holding off...
BROTHER: I'm not. I told Dad that you had invited me... all of us to come down for a visit. I'm not going to do it.
ME: Oh okay.
BROTHER: So when are you coming home?
ME: December for about...
BROTHER: Do you need some help?
ME: What do you mean? Did Dad say something to you?
BROTHER: Moving.
ME: What. I haven't decided...
BROTHER: Aren't you moving home?
ME: No. I'm not moving home.
BROTHER: Oh. You're not. Do you have a job?
ME: No.
BROTHER: What are you going to do there?
ME: I told you. I don't know yet. Listen, Dad told me you're getting married.
BROTHER: What are you talking about? He didn't tell you that.
ME: Yes. He did. He told me you're getting married.
BROTHER: He never said any such thing.
ME: Yes. He told me you were getting married.
BROTHER: I don't believe he told you that.
ME: What exactly would I get for making this up? What's the point?
BROTHER: I'm not getting married.
ME: Well, maybe Dad just misunderstood.
BROTHER: Maybe... I don't think so. Are you alright?
ME: Yes, did Dad say something else to you?
BROTHER: He's just concerned. You better get a job.

They're both concerned.

I feel like I can't breathe.