OOOH, BET I MISS YOU LIKE A HOLE IN THE HEAD!

Did you ever hear the term "begging music." I did, about three years ago. It refers to songs with lyrics laced with desperate pleas to a partner who has left or was left. The term came from a guy's mouth. Apparently he had little use for the genre. He thought that it emasculated men. Scientists got it wrong. The neanderthal is alive and well.

My take is somewhat different. I wonder why people want to go back to a memory of what once was and that can never exist in that same form again. That's what these songs are all about. Going back to what once was but that isn't necessarily right cause it would probably still be intact if it were. My belief is that the only way to keep it going on with a former lover who did you wrong or to whom you did wrong is to forge something entirely new. You've got to pry your eyes wide open baby. Give yourself room for an adult relationship that can leave you open to experience giving and receiving unconditional love.

Lessons I've learned or am in the middle of learning. Here's how they might be applicable to you and your life. Warning! They take a lot of work and practice. No quick fixes here.

1. Do the Self Work

Did you do some before you got involved? Have you done it since you've gone your separate ways? Something was happening to make one of you unhappy enough to take the drastic step of breaking up, straying, hiding, separating or cutting off hair. Have you any clue as to what it was? And if you do, what have you done to figure out how to correct it? Look, blaming the other person is always an option on the checklist of what went wrong. Save it for one of those "I'm too tired to do the work" days. Keep the whining to yourself though. We've all been there and we know that you're rationalizing. Instead do something self empowering. Look at the ways you might have contributed to the distance creep or intimacy breach. Maybe your relationship template is slightly off kilter and it caused you to attract the wrong person in the first place. This is the time to ask yourself tough questions about personal beliefs and self censure. What are you willing to tolerate and compromise, if anything and why? Learn to live in integrity. It's all good. You'll grow a way better relationship than you used to have with your former partner whether it becomes romantic again or not and you'll be way more lovable all around, to others and most importantly to yourself.

2. Practice Forgiveness - Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah

This is a great and fabulous concept, if you can pull it off successfully, without an undercurrent of seething discontent, or festering anger brilliantly hidden behind a placid demeanor which is only slightly marred by a 24/7 twitch in your right eye. Yes, forgiveness is possible. And it's desirable. You can't hold a transgression over someone's else's head or even yours over the course of your lifetime. That's a surefire way to erode any sense of happiness you've been harboring in that delicate soul of yours. I know someone who took her husband back after he spent several years living with another woman that he had had an affair with for several years prior to leaving her in the first place. They are desperately unhappy. She has never forgiven him. She tells everyone, usually when she meets them for the first time, that he had an affair. He snaps at her because frankly he's sorry he came back. It's his only form of retaliation. Passive aggression all because he feels whipped and is old so he wants his family (children, grandchildren) around him as he heads towards the end of his life. This is sad for both of them. Enough already. Give it a rest. She took him back. Either she figures out how to forgive him or she forgives herself for taking him back. As for him, he's got to forgive her for taking him back. No way are either of them going to live out a happy life unless both of them get real and let each other off of the hook. Pay attention to that story. They've created a prison for themselves. Make sure you've got a locksmith's number on speed dial.

3. Get a Life

Surf. Draw. Cook. Attend Classes. Travel. Do it with others. You need the company of people who think you are wonderful and that you think are wonderful too.

4. Meditate

Your spirit has been whipped and thrown against some walls. Your ego is defending itself like nobody's business because it feels like it's been under attack and won't let go of some crazy image of perfection. Your worry levels are working on overdrive. You have five million decisions to make:
- where to live;
- how to pay the bills;
- join Peace Corps or just hibernate and stay in bed for a day or three.

Rein it in. Meditation is a great way to do it. Lots of info everywhere about how to do it. I don't need to explain but I will endorse. It works people. It works.

5. Exercise

You know.


Want to hear a real begging song? Listen no further than one by a singer named AYO. It's called "Down on My Knees." It's the epitome of plaintive. I don't know who wrote it but I figure it was the day after someone left them and about a full year before they finally figured out how wonderful they truly were. After, that is, they did the work.