WHOSE SELF IS IT ANYWAY?

Someone I met back in July happened to be cycling by the other day two blocks from my home. Given that he had a helmet and sunglasses on and lives 2,000 miles from me it was pretty surprising I recognized him. There was no where to pullover but I stopped my car anyway to shout out, "meet me at the next corner". Turns out that this acquaintance is on a bike trip that is taking him down the eastern seaboard and along roads he's never travelled. This is an adventure that he's capturing both on film and in a blog.

There are roads not travelled in my life that I'm wondering about. I still have time to call on the self inside who's been adventurous and have her take over for awhile. So what's stopping me?

SHE'S 68 FOR GOODNESS SAKE.

Doesn't this shit ever end?

Front page link on Yahoo - November 10th 2007:

"How do I get over this person? My friends tell me that he was the wrong person for me, as we broke up numerous times in our year-long relationship. I really do love him and can't get him out of my mind. Every day something reminds me of him. I was kind of the one who asked, 'Are we calling it quits?' to which he replied, 'Since you brought the question up, yes.' He told me that he didn't want any more emails or calls from me, but I just can't resist sneaking in an email once in awhile.

"My head says to 'get over him' but my heart tells me I love him. How does one get over someone who you continue to love but who apparently does not love you back? How do I get on with my life and get him out of my mind? I've tried dating other people, but the dates are a complete failure because I would rather be with HIM." -- Elda T., 68, Venice, Florida


HERE'S ONE OF THREE ANSWERS FROM EXPERTS TO THE LETTER ABOVE.

G.J. DePillis answers:
Okay, Elda! Buckle up, this troubleshooting may get bumpy:

1. Examine the Symptoms:
For a year, you have been in a rollercoaster relationship.
Your friends dislike your mate.
Your heart and head give you conflicting messages.
You want to control the situation.
Your other dates have been unsatisfactory because you compare them to "him" and they fall short.
You act obsessed with this man, but are searching to get rid of him.

2. Find the Root Cause:
For you, this man is a symptom that reveals a deeper problem. What is your motivation for wanting a man who is ambivalent toward you? Is your "must-have-husband clock" ticking too fast? Your letter indicates that he conveys, "You are not quite good enough to be seen with me." This shows that he is only receiving and judging, but not contributing to the relationship.

If you were really in love with him, your head and heart would agree. You wouldn't want to strive to be in control by sending him emails, finding excuses to keep in touch, and then suggesting a breakup. I suspect you are obsessed with manipulating him instead.

An obsession is something that persistently dominates your thoughts even against your better judgment. You feel the target is elusive but almost within your grasp. It reveals that you are focusing on controlling the target. What sort of void is there in your life that you are trying to fill by controlling this ambivalent, judgmental man?

3. Apply the Resolution:
Respect. Stop dating men to erase the image of your ex. Respect your dates by focusing on them when you are with them. Respect yourself by improving your own talents via workshops and classes. Respect your ex by leaving him alone. You have destroyed your own credibility by saying you will break up, but then you don't follow through.
Work on having the integrity to keep your word so people will take you seriously. A lot of this drama seems to be created by you. Why? Is your life boring otherwise? Talk it over with a close friend, counselor or clergy, and get busy becoming a better you!

G.J. dePillis' book "How to Troubleshoot Your Mate" shows how to apply principles from engineering, the second oldest profession, to create a more satisfying love relationship. Sign up for G.J.'s free newsletter at pure-force.com.

NO ONE IS EXEMPT

Anita Roddick died last month. Both an activist and entrepreneur, Ms. Roddick created a company, the Body Shop, that seemed a model of social responsibility. She used the platform of a successful business enterprise to raise awareness for issues like violence against women and fair trade. Profiles written before and after her death cast a dark shadow on her motives by pointing out her missteps along the way to building a global enterprise from a base of 15 hair products and body creams. Scott Simon at NPR did a posthumous piece entitled, Roddick's Body Shop: An Empire Built on a Ruse? that took exception to Roddick's reputation as a business "Mother Teresa" and suggested that her business ethics were tenuous at best. For example, apparently she modeled her business on an existing one in California, even going so far as to use the name and then suggest later that she had dreamt it up on her own. As well, although she claimed that her products were not tested on animals, it turned out the ingredients she originally used to formulate the products were. So she changed her claims to "Against Animal Testing."

I'd like to suggest that Roddick, like any entrepreneur, oftentimes blindly felt her way through the maze of business decisions that spur growth. A need to put food on the table for herself, her family, and as her business grew, on the tables of her employees, vendors, suppliers and stakeholders may have led her to make some bad even ethically compromised choices. And yet she also made smart, ethically sound choices. As Ms. Roddick matured personally and professionally so did the objectives and business practices of her company. She demonstrated to the business community that doing good or taking a stand on the side of good could also be profitable. She used her voice and growing clout to publicize a myriad of causes that had once been considered taboo or best left to the largesse of philanthropists or government programs.

We don't always do the right thing in every circumstance. We make mistakes and hopefully, when we realize we've made them or when we see another way of doing things, we forgive ourselves, move on or do our best to rectify the situation. Unfortunately for Ms. Roddick her mistakes were writ large because of the enormous business success that she achieved. They are a matter of public record and will forever be trotted out for as long as her story remains topical or illustrative. This is as it should be since it shows her humanity. The cynics will always point a finger and shout "hypocrite." Others will look at the totality of her life and achievements to see flaws and contradictions but also great courage. Yes, she created an enterprise that she sold for $130 million dollars in 2006. More importanly, she inspired a whole generation to speak out, take action, and understand that no matter their beginnings, no matter what mistakes they make along the way, it will always be possible to effect positive change for themselves, their community and the world at large.

OH BROTHER

Three days later my brother calls.

ME: Hello
BROTHER: Is everything alright?
ME: I told Dad.
BROTHER: Yeah, you told him. Well is everything alright?
ME: Yes, okay.
BROTHER: Listen when are you coming home?
ME: What do you mean?
BROTHER: You know coming home.
ME: Wait a second. Did you decide when you're coming here? I've been holding off...
BROTHER: I'm not. I told Dad that you had invited me... all of us to come down for a visit. I'm not going to do it.
ME: Oh okay.
BROTHER: So when are you coming home?
ME: December for about...
BROTHER: Do you need some help?
ME: What do you mean? Did Dad say something to you?
BROTHER: Moving.
ME: What. I haven't decided...
BROTHER: Aren't you moving home?
ME: No. I'm not moving home.
BROTHER: Oh. You're not. Do you have a job?
ME: No.
BROTHER: What are you going to do there?
ME: I told you. I don't know yet. Listen, Dad told me you're getting married.
BROTHER: What are you talking about? He didn't tell you that.
ME: Yes. He did. He told me you're getting married.
BROTHER: He never said any such thing.
ME: Yes. He told me you were getting married.
BROTHER: I don't believe he told you that.
ME: What exactly would I get for making this up? What's the point?
BROTHER: I'm not getting married.
ME: Well, maybe Dad just misunderstood.
BROTHER: Maybe... I don't think so. Are you alright?
ME: Yes, did Dad say something else to you?
BROTHER: He's just concerned. You better get a job.

They're both concerned.

I feel like I can't breathe.

BEAUTY IS IN THE ATTITUDE

Whereas yesterday I was in a funk and isolated, today consisted of flirtations, meditations, yoga, a stroll, a mani, a pedi and a haircut.

My hair stylist, a man, told me that he felt sorry for women. I quote, "They have to worry about their boobs sagging, their bottoms dropping, not to mention losing their sex appeal. They're under tremendous pressure to try to stay looking young for a very long time. It's sad really. I mean men are very visual they want the woman who is ten or twenty years younger."

It's not lost on me that it seems like I'm buying into the upkeep program my stylist guy is talking about. While I like to fluff there is much more to it than keeping the free radicals at bay. It's the lure of being fawned over that draws me to the salon especially since I spend a lot of my days alone. A head massage or hand massage is healing. It's all about that ever nagging skin hunger that I talked about before.

What's also healing is meditation though I'm not very disciplined about practicing. However, to quell anxiety and create some clarity around my new status as a soon to be single woman, I'm meditating a little more often lately. Who out there doesn't think figuring out a whole new life might call for some meditation? It's that or medication which in my case has been a bowl of popcorn and whatever's on television. Watching television leaves me feeling numb without having to suffer through a hangover the next day. But like any addiction I'm having to consume more and more viewing just to get the right blend of numbness. What the bleep am I going to do? At least I have choices. Maybe sooner or later meditation, hypnosis, therapy, and the support of friends will help me chip away at the old beliefs that keep me tethered to a maypole in a poolside home. It takes a village -- people -- or perhaps, when the metaphysical dust clears, just a cattle prod.

On to a shallow moment: A guy in a Ferrari tried to pick me up today while we were both waiting for a light to change. He was a lot younger than I am. That was before the primping session but after the meditation. Maybe he looked past the wrinkles and saw the aura instead. I'd like to think so. Fie to you, hairdresser - with lots of peace and light.

WHEN DO WE BECOME ADULTS?

I finally told my father that my husband moved out three and a half months ago. I had held off because I wasn't yet ready to face the fact that my marriage is over. I took off my wedding ring two weeks ago. Now I've spoken to my father.

"Are you doing alright?" he asked. This is the first time he's asked me a personal question in quite a while. Usually it's just chit chat or lots of discussion about his health problems. So here was my opening.

ME: "No"
DAD: "Life is hard. It has good times and bad times. You just have to get through the bad."
ME: "Yes I know. Dad I'm very sad. My husband is no longer living with me."
DAD: "What do you mean? How long ago did this happen?"
ME: "July."
DAD: "Was this something that happened when you and he were back here for a visit? Does it have to do with me?"

That's exactly the kind of question he would ask.

ME: "Dad the breakdown of my marriage has nothing to do with a visit to you."
DAD: "Oh my gawd, I wish that you had never told me. What's the matter with you?"
ME: "How long was I supposed to keep it a secret? Till I filed divorce papers or always."
DAD: "Look, I've got plenty up here you can come back here. I'll take care of you."
ME: "I'm just feeling sad and lonely Dad. Just like you. You know what it's like."
DAD: "Oh my gawd, I wish that you had never told me."
ME: "Okay, well I have."
DAD: "I think your brother is getting married."
ME: "That's good. Does he love her?"
DAD: "I don't know. I don't ask those questions."
ME: "It's important that he love her. It's important. He should love her. We all deserve to be loved."
DAD: "Your husband would never have left you if he loved you. He's an unhappy man. He will always be unhappy. No one is happy."
PAUSE
DAD: "There are only two people in the world who love you. Your mother loved you. I love you. Oh yes, and your brother, he loves you too but he's busy right now. You are my daughter."
ME: " Dad, I just didn't think that I would be here again. I'm just sad. I thought this marriage was it."
DAD: "Be careful. Don't go with another man right away."
ME: "Another man is the last thing on my mind. Dad, I have other things to do. Start a business, or get a job, an apartment,... a life. I obviously don't choose men very well. From my experience men don't honor their marriage vows. You with mom. My brother with his wife and his girlfriends. My first husband and now... We haven't even talked about a divorce yet. Another man is not a priority right now."
...

I was crying the whole time.

For once my father's reaction was the least of my worries. I had always tiptoed around him; his moods and his attitudes. Today, I didn't care whether he supported, criticized or deflected. What he said didn't matter. I wasn't concerned about making it alright for him. I'm trying to make it alright for me.

DEFINING YOURSELF

I listen to people talk about defining yourself apart from the roles that you play in life. You are more than your job, your parenthood and any other labels that apply to the life you lead. Well, what does that leave? Someone, I think it was Deborah Norville stumping her new book, intimated that if you are solid inside then you are like kevlar on the outside, able to deflect any criticism or barbs that come your way. This indefatigable strength comes from knowing and defining yourself. Separating yourself from roles is the easy part. The hard part is determining what your beliefs are. In your head are the nasty little voices that attack at any time whether you are feeling weak or strong. They work to undermine your free will. We forget that we have free will, that we can make choices that reside outside those that the people in our lives try to dictate must be taken. Even worse, the nasty little voices who have the ability to rattle around 24/7, also try to convince us that we have limited choices. Choices that are based on self limiting beliefs like "you're not good enough, or smart enough or anything enough." Enough already with the enoughs. Maybe the first step to defining ourselves is to shut those voices up for good and cast off the shoulds that have been imposed on us by circumstances and people that no longer have any relevance to our lives.

SEX AND ATTITUDE

I saw some amazing Hallowe'en costumes tonight.

The top 5 costumes for women were:
1. Marie Antoinette,
2. Nurse,
3. Wench,
4. Bikini clad bunny, and
5. harem or belly dancer girl.

As for the men the top 5 costumes were:
1. Marie Antoinette,
2. Glamor Puss,
3. Naked Guy with well oiled body wearing a brief,
4. the Scream, and
5. Superhero.

Are these all alter egos? If I were to classify I'd say that sex and fear were top of mind when people decked themselves out in their costume personas tonight. Then again maybe sex and fear are just at the top of my mind.

Most of the people wearing these costumes were youngish with hot bodies. Yet there were others who would never be referred to as hot by conventional measures. These people had wobbly bits, wrinkles and droopy buns or boobs which they proudly displayed. They didn't think these were issues to be worried about. Their attitudes declared, "Look at me. Feel my power. I know that you can't help but be attracted." Whether they were with someone special or on the prowl I'll wager they had sex when they got home. The best sex comes from abandoning thoughts of cellulite, paunchy stomachs or perfect positions and embracing this compelling attitude instead. It also helps to be detached from the outcome. Whether or not you orgasm or you give an orgasm is beside the point. It'll happen simply because you get caught up in the pure sensuality of it all. It's not about control, it's about abandonment. That's right, abandoning the inane and useless rules that bring shame to the bedroom. Like someone once said, confidence is a proven aphrodisiac.

THE FEELING

Someone attempted to seduce me. Luscious. I drank in the compliments. I savored his declaration of lust. "You're the first woman I've had the feeling for in a long time" he said while looking me directly in the eye.

I remember the feeling. It's that jittery leap of the stomach accompanied by a tiny tremor in the body just as you catch sight of the person you've got the feeling for. I don't have "the feeling" for the man who made the declaration but I was close to allowing my brain to believe that I did.

I've been starved for affection for a long time. My husband cut off sexual initmacy as he headed into the craze of a midlife crisis. While we haven't lived together for about three and a half months, the love drought I suffered during the two and a half year period of his indecision and my dogged determination to hang in until it all sorted itself out, cast a severe cloud over my sexuality and my confidence.

Does it seem like some men have the misguided belief that they have access to the remote controls of our libidos? Listen sometime. They will say. " I'm in crisis. If I am to suffer then so too are you. I'm in love. If I'm in love then so too are you. I'm in lust. If I'm in lust then so too are you." Ring. Ring. Hello, do you hear me, or see me, or know me, or care about me? Pick up the direct line, please and thank you.

Sometimes, it's not their fault. We often don't tell them what we want, or even who we are.

As much as I crave someone wanting me again, it would have been wrong to give in to the man's desire just because I long for a momentary satiation of my skin hunger. We both want the same thing. He wants a relationship with me and so do I. I want a relationship with me. I'm working on the latter. I want to become self determining and self sufficient again before I can entertain thoughts of an involvement, no matter what the duration. That said, I was tempted.

HIDING OUR POWER

Why is that we keep ourselves buried in the wake of rules that have never fit us or what we really want to do? So many of us devote ourselves to keeping a low profile within our relationships. No one knows how brightly our lights shine. We keep ourselves under wraps, worried that someone will find out how much we rage against the roles we've assumed or were forced to adopt because we are nice, because we are the social caretakers. Our partners, our parents, our children, even our friends - their wants and needs rank above us on our own priority scale. Speak up?! No. Not even if we know that they can't see us. Fear lurks trying to keep us isolated and out of touch with how powerful we really are. We possess the kind of power that would keep a city alight for years. What we really want we've deemed irrelevant to the greater good of keeping the peace at all costs.

The bill is high. Health issues, stress, forgotten dreams and watching through a self imposed window as others lead the lives we want for ourselves while we merely tolerate our own. Even worse, we think that it's all for the best; rationalizing that our sacrifices are actually contributing to so much that is right in our world. Who cares if we have to suck on a Tums to stop the reflux from burning away the insides of our throats? We are victimized by beliefs imposed on us by people who died long ago. We are victimized by beliefs we hold to steadfastly even though we long to break free. Mostly we are victimized by ourselves and our payoffs for remaining silent. We are paid off with assessments like "good girl," "nice girl," "well liked girl," and even "popular girl." Those anxiety soothing words put us off from accessing the difficult road of declaring, "I am a force to be reckoned with."

LOOK BEYOND THE TIGHT BUNS

A great skill to have would be the ability to see through the haze of chemical attraction and learn if someone is honorable when they are pitching woo. Huh? Look when you're romancing and they're romancing and the butterflies are flying free in your stomach all seems wonderful and right. When the time comes to make a commitment, (do the laundry together, move in, get married, go to Venice) deciphering the hidden agendas between you should be a priority. Many people aren't present to their true intentions and sell the ones they purport to love a bill of goods that comes due a few years down the road. Look inside your heart and encourage your partner to do the same. If either of you is afraid to be alone or is looking at the other as a means of daily ego gratification take the time to find this out before you're sorting through socks. Learning about your vulnerabilities will make your bond stronger or will direct you away from a situation that is not right for you in the first place.

JUST ASK

A networking social is fascinating. Talking to people whose paths you would not cross under normal circumstances is a great way to expand your world. Yeah you've heard this before from lots of different people. I wonder though how many people take the time to ask questions that go beyond job titles, addresses or hobbies. Next time you're out mingling ask someone what moment in their lives they can cite as the one they are most proud of. You never know you might just learn a few things about character, compassion and duplicity.

LOT OF COWS FARTING IN THIS VICINITY

The ozone layer over my life needs a hole.

INSIDE INSIGHT

In the middle of a two and a half year long stalemate. I've been living in the House of Hope. It's closing it's doors. Not forever but in this neighborhood.