BEAUTY IS IN THE ATTITUDE

Whereas yesterday I was in a funk and isolated, today consisted of flirtations, meditations, yoga, a stroll, a mani, a pedi and a haircut.

My hair stylist, a man, told me that he felt sorry for women. I quote, "They have to worry about their boobs sagging, their bottoms dropping, not to mention losing their sex appeal. They're under tremendous pressure to try to stay looking young for a very long time. It's sad really. I mean men are very visual they want the woman who is ten or twenty years younger."

It's not lost on me that it seems like I'm buying into the upkeep program my stylist guy is talking about. While I like to fluff there is much more to it than keeping the free radicals at bay. It's the lure of being fawned over that draws me to the salon especially since I spend a lot of my days alone. A head massage or hand massage is healing. It's all about that ever nagging skin hunger that I talked about before.

What's also healing is meditation though I'm not very disciplined about practicing. However, to quell anxiety and create some clarity around my new status as a soon to be single woman, I'm meditating a little more often lately. Who out there doesn't think figuring out a whole new life might call for some meditation? It's that or medication which in my case has been a bowl of popcorn and whatever's on television. Watching television leaves me feeling numb without having to suffer through a hangover the next day. But like any addiction I'm having to consume more and more viewing just to get the right blend of numbness. What the bleep am I going to do? At least I have choices. Maybe sooner or later meditation, hypnosis, therapy, and the support of friends will help me chip away at the old beliefs that keep me tethered to a maypole in a poolside home. It takes a village -- people -- or perhaps, when the metaphysical dust clears, just a cattle prod.

On to a shallow moment: A guy in a Ferrari tried to pick me up today while we were both waiting for a light to change. He was a lot younger than I am. That was before the primping session but after the meditation. Maybe he looked past the wrinkles and saw the aura instead. I'd like to think so. Fie to you, hairdresser - with lots of peace and light.

WHEN DO WE BECOME ADULTS?

I finally told my father that my husband moved out three and a half months ago. I had held off because I wasn't yet ready to face the fact that my marriage is over. I took off my wedding ring two weeks ago. Now I've spoken to my father.

"Are you doing alright?" he asked. This is the first time he's asked me a personal question in quite a while. Usually it's just chit chat or lots of discussion about his health problems. So here was my opening.

ME: "No"
DAD: "Life is hard. It has good times and bad times. You just have to get through the bad."
ME: "Yes I know. Dad I'm very sad. My husband is no longer living with me."
DAD: "What do you mean? How long ago did this happen?"
ME: "July."
DAD: "Was this something that happened when you and he were back here for a visit? Does it have to do with me?"

That's exactly the kind of question he would ask.

ME: "Dad the breakdown of my marriage has nothing to do with a visit to you."
DAD: "Oh my gawd, I wish that you had never told me. What's the matter with you?"
ME: "How long was I supposed to keep it a secret? Till I filed divorce papers or always."
DAD: "Look, I've got plenty up here you can come back here. I'll take care of you."
ME: "I'm just feeling sad and lonely Dad. Just like you. You know what it's like."
DAD: "Oh my gawd, I wish that you had never told me."
ME: "Okay, well I have."
DAD: "I think your brother is getting married."
ME: "That's good. Does he love her?"
DAD: "I don't know. I don't ask those questions."
ME: "It's important that he love her. It's important. He should love her. We all deserve to be loved."
DAD: "Your husband would never have left you if he loved you. He's an unhappy man. He will always be unhappy. No one is happy."
PAUSE
DAD: "There are only two people in the world who love you. Your mother loved you. I love you. Oh yes, and your brother, he loves you too but he's busy right now. You are my daughter."
ME: " Dad, I just didn't think that I would be here again. I'm just sad. I thought this marriage was it."
DAD: "Be careful. Don't go with another man right away."
ME: "Another man is the last thing on my mind. Dad, I have other things to do. Start a business, or get a job, an apartment,... a life. I obviously don't choose men very well. From my experience men don't honor their marriage vows. You with mom. My brother with his wife and his girlfriends. My first husband and now... We haven't even talked about a divorce yet. Another man is not a priority right now."
...

I was crying the whole time.

For once my father's reaction was the least of my worries. I had always tiptoed around him; his moods and his attitudes. Today, I didn't care whether he supported, criticized or deflected. What he said didn't matter. I wasn't concerned about making it alright for him. I'm trying to make it alright for me.

DEFINING YOURSELF

I listen to people talk about defining yourself apart from the roles that you play in life. You are more than your job, your parenthood and any other labels that apply to the life you lead. Well, what does that leave? Someone, I think it was Deborah Norville stumping her new book, intimated that if you are solid inside then you are like kevlar on the outside, able to deflect any criticism or barbs that come your way. This indefatigable strength comes from knowing and defining yourself. Separating yourself from roles is the easy part. The hard part is determining what your beliefs are. In your head are the nasty little voices that attack at any time whether you are feeling weak or strong. They work to undermine your free will. We forget that we have free will, that we can make choices that reside outside those that the people in our lives try to dictate must be taken. Even worse, the nasty little voices who have the ability to rattle around 24/7, also try to convince us that we have limited choices. Choices that are based on self limiting beliefs like "you're not good enough, or smart enough or anything enough." Enough already with the enoughs. Maybe the first step to defining ourselves is to shut those voices up for good and cast off the shoulds that have been imposed on us by circumstances and people that no longer have any relevance to our lives.

SEX AND ATTITUDE

I saw some amazing Hallowe'en costumes tonight.

The top 5 costumes for women were:
1. Marie Antoinette,
2. Nurse,
3. Wench,
4. Bikini clad bunny, and
5. harem or belly dancer girl.

As for the men the top 5 costumes were:
1. Marie Antoinette,
2. Glamor Puss,
3. Naked Guy with well oiled body wearing a brief,
4. the Scream, and
5. Superhero.

Are these all alter egos? If I were to classify I'd say that sex and fear were top of mind when people decked themselves out in their costume personas tonight. Then again maybe sex and fear are just at the top of my mind.

Most of the people wearing these costumes were youngish with hot bodies. Yet there were others who would never be referred to as hot by conventional measures. These people had wobbly bits, wrinkles and droopy buns or boobs which they proudly displayed. They didn't think these were issues to be worried about. Their attitudes declared, "Look at me. Feel my power. I know that you can't help but be attracted." Whether they were with someone special or on the prowl I'll wager they had sex when they got home. The best sex comes from abandoning thoughts of cellulite, paunchy stomachs or perfect positions and embracing this compelling attitude instead. It also helps to be detached from the outcome. Whether or not you orgasm or you give an orgasm is beside the point. It'll happen simply because you get caught up in the pure sensuality of it all. It's not about control, it's about abandonment. That's right, abandoning the inane and useless rules that bring shame to the bedroom. Like someone once said, confidence is a proven aphrodisiac.

THE FEELING

Someone attempted to seduce me. Luscious. I drank in the compliments. I savored his declaration of lust. "You're the first woman I've had the feeling for in a long time" he said while looking me directly in the eye.

I remember the feeling. It's that jittery leap of the stomach accompanied by a tiny tremor in the body just as you catch sight of the person you've got the feeling for. I don't have "the feeling" for the man who made the declaration but I was close to allowing my brain to believe that I did.

I've been starved for affection for a long time. My husband cut off sexual initmacy as he headed into the craze of a midlife crisis. While we haven't lived together for about three and a half months, the love drought I suffered during the two and a half year period of his indecision and my dogged determination to hang in until it all sorted itself out, cast a severe cloud over my sexuality and my confidence.

Does it seem like some men have the misguided belief that they have access to the remote controls of our libidos? Listen sometime. They will say. " I'm in crisis. If I am to suffer then so too are you. I'm in love. If I'm in love then so too are you. I'm in lust. If I'm in lust then so too are you." Ring. Ring. Hello, do you hear me, or see me, or know me, or care about me? Pick up the direct line, please and thank you.

Sometimes, it's not their fault. We often don't tell them what we want, or even who we are.

As much as I crave someone wanting me again, it would have been wrong to give in to the man's desire just because I long for a momentary satiation of my skin hunger. We both want the same thing. He wants a relationship with me and so do I. I want a relationship with me. I'm working on the latter. I want to become self determining and self sufficient again before I can entertain thoughts of an involvement, no matter what the duration. That said, I was tempted.

HIDING OUR POWER

Why is that we keep ourselves buried in the wake of rules that have never fit us or what we really want to do? So many of us devote ourselves to keeping a low profile within our relationships. No one knows how brightly our lights shine. We keep ourselves under wraps, worried that someone will find out how much we rage against the roles we've assumed or were forced to adopt because we are nice, because we are the social caretakers. Our partners, our parents, our children, even our friends - their wants and needs rank above us on our own priority scale. Speak up?! No. Not even if we know that they can't see us. Fear lurks trying to keep us isolated and out of touch with how powerful we really are. We possess the kind of power that would keep a city alight for years. What we really want we've deemed irrelevant to the greater good of keeping the peace at all costs.

The bill is high. Health issues, stress, forgotten dreams and watching through a self imposed window as others lead the lives we want for ourselves while we merely tolerate our own. Even worse, we think that it's all for the best; rationalizing that our sacrifices are actually contributing to so much that is right in our world. Who cares if we have to suck on a Tums to stop the reflux from burning away the insides of our throats? We are victimized by beliefs imposed on us by people who died long ago. We are victimized by beliefs we hold to steadfastly even though we long to break free. Mostly we are victimized by ourselves and our payoffs for remaining silent. We are paid off with assessments like "good girl," "nice girl," "well liked girl," and even "popular girl." Those anxiety soothing words put us off from accessing the difficult road of declaring, "I am a force to be reckoned with."

LOOK BEYOND THE TIGHT BUNS

A great skill to have would be the ability to see through the haze of chemical attraction and learn if someone is honorable when they are pitching woo. Huh? Look when you're romancing and they're romancing and the butterflies are flying free in your stomach all seems wonderful and right. When the time comes to make a commitment, (do the laundry together, move in, get married, go to Venice) deciphering the hidden agendas between you should be a priority. Many people aren't present to their true intentions and sell the ones they purport to love a bill of goods that comes due a few years down the road. Look inside your heart and encourage your partner to do the same. If either of you is afraid to be alone or is looking at the other as a means of daily ego gratification take the time to find this out before you're sorting through socks. Learning about your vulnerabilities will make your bond stronger or will direct you away from a situation that is not right for you in the first place.

JUST ASK

A networking social is fascinating. Talking to people whose paths you would not cross under normal circumstances is a great way to expand your world. Yeah you've heard this before from lots of different people. I wonder though how many people take the time to ask questions that go beyond job titles, addresses or hobbies. Next time you're out mingling ask someone what moment in their lives they can cite as the one they are most proud of. You never know you might just learn a few things about character, compassion and duplicity.

LOT OF COWS FARTING IN THIS VICINITY

The ozone layer over my life needs a hole.

INSIDE INSIGHT

In the middle of a two and a half year long stalemate. I've been living in the House of Hope. It's closing it's doors. Not forever but in this neighborhood.

INTERNAL MEDICINE
Time for serious. So much has been written about our bodies that anything I would deign to add would be a very light treatment of the subject. What is most fascinating right now for me is the impact that food and nutrients have on our overall health. We can exercise ourselves to the ninety ninth degree but if it's all falling apart internally -- there's no amount of treadmill time that's going to keep up us really healthy. Chronic inflammation, cardiac disease, loss of skin elasticity, cirrhosis, even bad breath -- all stem from the neglect of our inner health. I'm not a nutritionist. I am an avid researcher, learner, seeker and advocate and I will share what I've discovered and continue to discover. Some of it will be mainstream but some of it will be ferreted out of dusty archives or eccentric scientists filing cabinets. Just remember that no matter what I place on this site, it's up to you to do your own homework -- to determine if it is meaningful and/or applicable. I am not endorsing treatments, products, or a way of life, just bringing material to your attention as well as my own personal take on it. I don't suggest that you take what I share as absolute truth -- get someone else to comment or read before you ramp up a new regime; a medical professional or other well-informed or accredited individual is probably a good starting point. Ultimately though it's up to you to make your own choices.

Let's start with a study that has been scattered about many of the media outlets when it was published at the beginning of June. Here's a link to where it originally came from Annals of Internal Medicine

The scuttlebutt: People who were placed on a diet that included fat (Virgin Olive Oil, Walnuts, Hazelnuts, and Almonds) were found to have improved cholesterol, blood pressure, and blood sugar levels. In addition, in all likelihood they also managed to descrease the fat storage levels in their livers, which would mean a potential staving off of chronic liver disease. High fat storage levels in the liver is an indication of Non Alcholic Liver Disease (NALD). NALD could potentially lead to chronic liver disease. And, you thought you were safe because you cut back on your martini intake -- ha! Nothing is simple -- food is a powerful weapon. Use it wisely.

I was at the gym a couple of weeks ago, when a fellow "gymite" mentioned that everyone is using botox and fillers. Let me explain. She's a dermatologist. It's her world. It's her livelihood. "Not me," said I. "Ah but you will," Dr. Derm exclaimed gleefully. "All your friends are doing it. You might not know it, but they are. I'm 100% percent certain that they are." Under my breath, to the guy doing crunches next to me, I said, "Not me. I don't want to. Tell me I don't have to." "You don't, you won't - you look great," he said. "It's unnecessary and ridiculous." (Yes, these kind of guys do exist.) "I heard that," the dermatologist snapped, "Don't kid yourself, your face has an expiration date. It'll be just a matter of a few years until you'll break down and get an injection." Heavy sigh.

Fast forward a couple of weeks later and I overhear Dr. Derm plying her trade yet again. A really lovely woman -- 62 and in the most amazing shape -- has walked in telling a tale of a broken heart. Her boyfriend of a year has chosen to two-time her with a friend. (Not a younger woman and not a male, but yes, her best friend.) This sweet woman is truly suffering. Red rimmed eyes and shoulders stooped so low you could ski off of them. What does Dr. Derm advise? "Come to my office late in the day tomorrow and we'll play. I've got lots of things to get your skin and face looking younger and younger. We'll round it off with a couple of injections." Empathy, it seems, now comes packaged in single dose syringes. Who needs talk therapy?

Age well. Drink plenty of water. Exercise. Eat wholesome organic food/avoid highly processed food. Take supplements to nourish and support the body and brain in ways that lead to agility and independence as you age. Practice deep breathing to calm any anxiety you might feel. Be kind.

My best to Dr. Derm.

WOMODO no more.

How did I ever miss this? I enjoy trolling for new, if at times, whacky inventions because they amuse me. Somehow this product escaped my notice when it was first introduced in Japan earlier this year. A Hello Kitty breath tester.

Hello hello Bono, what kind of kids are begging mom and dad to buy this, dare I call it, a toy? How about a school bully, using it as a way to wear the disguise of a kind, gentle, pink kitten loving innocent?

Picture this. You're five. It's snacktime. You spy a potential victim. Bradley. He stole your cookie, a Mallobar, precious because it's only sold in the cold winter months when it has a snowball's chance of staying fresh and crisp unlike the summer months when it goes soggy and limp. But I digress. You know Bradley has Halitosis, you saw him chewing on Lester Kelly's salami earlier. So, instead of hurling the tired but old school, "who cut the cheese, snicker snicker," at Bradley, an allegation that can be blatantly denied because of the difficulty of obtaining rock solid evidence, you surreptiously pull out the Hello Kitty BT from under your blankie. Bradley will pay, you say to your little developing brain. Not with a pointing finger, not with a knock over the noggin, but with an ego shattering accusation made ever more poignant and wounding by the grimace on sweet little Hello Kitty's face. "Ewww," you shout, "Bradley. Bradley has stinky breath. Bradley has stinky breath. Bradley's breath smells like poo. Poo breath. Poo breath." The other kids join in the chant driving Quasimodo, I mean Bradley, over and into the cloak room. The teacher, sensing her tenous hold on what could turn into a food fight, hestitates just long enough to do a quick breath in-to-the-hand check before she intervenes.

Fast forward twenty years later. There's Bradley, lying on a couch, talking to his therapist about the key traumatizing moment in his life and how it led him to swear off ever dating anyone who loves pink or cats.

Check out Medgadget if you want to find out how to get one in time for the holidays.

From a European report on marketing to women, entitled Women Over 45 in the UK, published by Key Note.

"However, when most marketers think of older women they do not see glamorous social rebels, they see frumpy middle-aged women or little old ladies."

How old are these marketers? If young, do they have or personally know mothers, aunts, friends, coworkers and so on over the age of 45, or do they exist in a vaccuum? If they're part of the baby boom generation, are they looking at themselves and their friends, or are they themselves frumpy and little? Maybe, as marketers, it's time to get out amongst the people instead of sitting in the office reading a report.

Okay, neophyte blogger discovers the name of her blog may lead to heaven. Who knew a made up name would ever be affliated with a rapture bible studies site sponsored by Circuit City no less? Not me. In this world of copycat/me too'ers one little slip of the "b" button fast forwards readers to logspot.com and prophecies about the end of the world. Well here's a new prophecy I'm adding to the mix. I predict that my blog will have a new name by sundown.

By the way if you got here by accident here's the link to get you back to the bible site womodo.logspot.com.

At the San Antonio Breast Cancer Symposium Dr. Leslie Bernstein, PHD, from the University of Southern California Norris Comprehensive Cancer Center, said that risk factors that may lead to breast cancer can be modified. Two of the changes cited were physical activity and dietary considerations.

Below is an excerpt from the Symposium press release posted December 10th at 20:27 on PR Newswire:

Risk factors for breast cancer can generally be divided into those that cannot be changed and those that can. Risk factors that cannot be changed include age, gender, race/ethnicity, early noncancerous changes in the breast,family history of breast cancer, age at first menstrual period, and age at menopause. Those that can be changed include pregnancy history (number of births, no births), removal of the ovaries prior to menopause, lactation, density of the breasts as shown during mammography, past radiation treatment, physical activity, postmenopausal obesity/adult weight gain, hormone therapy, and alcohol intake."

"Many women would prefer to consider lifestyle changes. Obesity in postmenopausal women (usually defined as a body mass index >27) is associated with increased risk, with about 7.6% of breast cancers in the United States attributable to obesity. Thus, simple weight loss is a feasible strategy. Exercise in women of reproductive age, especially in younger women and teenagers, can have a significant effect on the occurrence of breast cancer, possibly due to disturbances in the menstrual cycle that result in reduced hormone levels. Lifetime physical activity is associated with lower risk of invasive breast cancer among women in Europe and Asia and among Asian-American and Hispanic-American women. In contrast to the risk associated with obesity, in this case risk reduction is greater among women without a first degree family history of breast cancer.

There are also dietary factors that may affect breast cancer risk. For example, biologically active compounds from green tea have been shown to suppress the growth of human breast cancer cells injected into mice, and consumption of green tea is associated with reduced breast cancer risk in Asian-American women.

Dr. Bernstein pointed out that, as opposed to pharmacological and surgical strategies, these lifestyle changes have the advantage of being cost-effective and likely to meet with greater patient acceptance. Further research needs to address questions about the importance of age of exposure, duration of exposure, and exposure intensity, as well as the size of the benefit that can be obtained from lifestyle changes."

It would be nice if someone would release new information rather than a rehash of that already available. Aren't symposiums supposed to be about sharing and disseminating cutting edge research?

Machu Picchu. I 've never been there. My backpack has. It's black leather with a single opening and two very wide leather shoulder straps adjusted the old fashioned way, with buckles. It's a rugged good looking backpack, the kind that might have persuaded Ernest Hemingway to drag it around the globe as he travelled, wrote and was photographed for those pictures that bars in Cuba and Italy use to verify that he drank there. I think there may be a photograph of my backpack buried in my friend Laurel's photo albums.

Laurel went to Peru with her parents about nine or ten years ago. I loaned her the backpack for her trip. I think I was vaguely trying to start a trend that only I would ultimately appreciate, one akin to the lawn dwarf stolen by pranksters whose intent was to pose it in front of recognizable landmarks and then send the ensuing pics back to the dwarf's owner. In my case, Laurel dragged that pack up the steps to the ruins of fabled Machu Picchu and I think she may have even touched it to the sacred Intihuatana stone. So, instead of a worldwind global tour my backpack went, in effect, on a spiritual pilgrimage. Did it return changed? On the surface it had a few new scratches that added character to the hide. What was odd, what was hard to explain was that for some reason when I started to carry it around again it seemed heavier, even when empty of contents. My back hurt, my shoulders ached and I couldn't remember if this had always been the case, or if suddenly it truly was heavier. I want to say that there was a profound reason for the perceived additional weight. I want to say that it foreshadowed a new life that I was about to embark upon sans a husband. I want to say that the cliche of "carrying around one's baggage" had gone from symbol to concrete application. But I won't. What I will say is that this was a bag that went on a trip that I would have liked to have gone on.

Meanwhile if you haven't been to Peru, this site, Raingod, has a virtual tour of the Inca trail leading up to Machu Picchu that might nudge you into booking a trip there. And, Culture Focus has many interesting links and photos of the area, the people, and the sites along with links to book travel or explore other regions of Peru.

Irene went to her mailbox sometime this year and pulled out a letter from AARP. Seems that they wanted to know why she hadn't been taking advantage of their services. Given that she's still some time away from eligibility she held her breath just a bit longer than usual as she read through the offer.

A senior at 50, is that how it works? Someone once told me you were considered a senior citizen either when you turned 65, or when a full crop of grey pubic hair finally made an appearance, whichever happened first. Perish the thought.

My friend Margot went to a department store the other day to purchase some face cream. She picked up the product she normally uses and brought it to the counter. The cashier said that the cream was very good but redirected her to another cream in the same line stating that it was "perfect for skin over the age of 45" (let's leave cashier's emphasis and tone to our imaginations).

Margot does happen to actually be 45 but hadn't mentioned her age to the clerk. We could debate whether or not Margot looks 45 but then we'd have to empower someone to be the definitive judge of what 45 really looks like. We'd also likely have to have a template -- a 45 year old woman against whom all others would be compared. For the record, Margot is in awesome shape physically and is married to a man five years younger who's a tri-athelete. She's not exactly shuffling around with dowager's hump, but that says nothing about the state of her 45 year old skin, which to my eye looks pretty good -- clean, no blackheads, she even has those often coveted small pores but yes, strictly speaking, it is 45 year old skin.

Apparently cosmetic counter sales training programs don't include diplomacy skills. A simple, "perhaps you'd like to look at an alternative -- your skin seems stressed here's a cream that will act as an anti-depressant and bring it into a happy state of being," might have been more appropriate. By the way that cream for 45 year old skin and older cost $7 dollars more... guess compensation is a must for the extra hope or water put into the jar. I'll leave the last word to my friend Margot, who said, "same packaging, same size, same promises but it costs more because you're old."